The pain is too great… I want to go “Home”
Q: I had a breakdown a few months ago, which caused me to go to a mental hospital. Now I need to take pills, and I feel that they keep me from doing things I could do before. I do not know if all of this happened because I missed my opportunity or because it is part of God's plan for me. Each day that passes, I am waiting for God to take me from here. The pain is too strong and my issues are too much for me to handle anymore. I want to go Home. I feel like my time here on Earth is over. I want it to be over. How can I do it? Is it God's plan for me? Could my dying be seen as “moving up” instead of “giving up?” I want to be with You. I want to live where You are. I want to be like You, loving always, trusting always, never fearing. What should I do? I just don't know anymore.
A: Thank you for pouring your heart out to me (that was your first step towards full recovery) and for caring enough to share your story, so that it may save other lives, too. You are such a pure heart. Please know, my beloved, that your situation cannot be tendered in a word or sentence. I will give you what you need to turn your life around. In my usual manner, I will deliver the straight truth, which you are ready—and aching—to hear.
First of all, while many are indeed finding it extremely difficult to remain in this world as humanity moves into the Age of Enlightenment, and are thus preparing to leave their embodiments, this is not the case for you (look at the last part of your question; that is what you really want and are really asking—to stay, and to live as pure Love). And even if it were the case, to you and all others reading this, it is very important to realize that “there is no death.” When you leave this life, all you leave behind is your body. You take with you all your unresolved karma, all unfinished and un-mastered life lessons. The “show” just continues until your soul is wholly ascended and free.
You say that you are waiting for God to “save” you. Wait no more. Your prayers have been heard and are, herewith, being answered. First of all, the taking of your medication is dependent upon your physical and mental condition, the environment in which you live and, mostly, upon who is treating/guiding you and how. The pills are keeping you stable where you are now.
Secondly, this did not happen because you missed your opportunity. Your current situation is your opportunity! The physical plane is the densest plane of Creation and the last place anything appears or manifests. The universe has been sending message after message to you—at your own soul's request—all falling on deaf (willfully resistant) ears. Thus, you had to manifest something big enough to finally get your attention. Whatever you resist persists and intensifies. I offer that you consider this “predicament,” as you call it, as no less than a tremendous blessing—which it is.
Was this God's plan for you? God's plan has never been for any of His children to suffer. Suffering is a human creation, not a Divine one. All pain is resistance to God's will. Where there is surrender, there is no pain, regardless of circumstance. Realize, also, that your soul cannot—by Divine design—and will not call forth more than you can bear. That is the Law of Creation. You simply do not like the consequences of repeatedly saying “no” to what God is asking of you.
For the record, you are home. Heaven is not a place; it is a state of consciousness. Suicide and/or dying is never God's plan for anyone! God's plan—and the destiny/dharma/life's purpose—for every soul on Earth is full God-realization; in other words, the full restoral of your own inherent immortality, which can only be achieved while embodied in human form. The death you are describing is, and can only be classified as, giving up. You have the power, the faith, and the wisdom to reach the summit…or else you never would have magnetized me into your life to give you this direct, personal guidance. I accept no excuses…and neither should you.
Know that you are with me. You have always been with me. And my door is forever open to those who come with pure intentions. Yes, it is a distinct possibility that you could live in one of my ashrams. Do realize, however, that avoidance and escapism cannot exist in my presence. To live with a Master's gaze upon you, twenty-four hours a day, means that with every breath you will have to face the Truth in your life, the avoidance of which has created all your problems in the first place. You would also need to either have or create the means to support yourself. My ashrams are completely integrated into society. I train those who wish to walk in full mastery over all earthly illusion. There are many people who run to ashrams to hide and escape from the world. Those who come to mine with that intention do not last more than a month—if they can even find their way through the door at all.
Now that I have given clarity to the confusion in your consciousness, I will give you some concrete steps to take on the road to wellness and, ultimately, mastery. They can be found in the Sacred Tools for Growth and Transformation. They will give you the grounded-ness and strength you need. Simply follow the steps I outline, with faith, devotion, and discipline, and I will pull you through this dark night of your soul. You do your best. I’ll do the rest. Place your focus upon me, and be earnest and diligent in your daily practice of meditation. Take walks in Nature, purify your diet, get daily exercise, and eliminate dense vibrations from your regimen (bars; loud, discordant music; junk food; alcohol, caffeine, and drugs). Whatever you place your focus upon, you become. Form follows thought.
I modeled life in the depths of Separation, as well as the journey into wholeness and full divinity, so that others would be able to do this for themselves. Follow my guidance, and take my hand, the one for which you have been reaching for so long. I am here for you. I love you with all my heart, and I am eternally devoted to you. All that I AM is yours.