19 Days with My Guru

It’s been 19 days, 19 days to travel into the unknown... my unknown. “Go deep” is the message from the Guru: “Find what is not true to you. How do I lie to myself, about myself and throughout my days?”

This inner territory is probably the most frightening place for many people. To avoid it, we eat, drink, watch tv, listen to music, travel, work... filling our time with anything but our own voice. I see this inner voice as my higher self; my closest to God/Guru self; my most balanced, clear, and giving self who is driven by pure love.

This is the voice I should be listening to always, even when it tells me what I don’t want to hear. It gives me direction, and, without ceremony, I tell it to piss-off. As I elbow this voice out of the way, the self-sabotage begins. This divine voice, directed and/or overlit by God/Guru, is love, loving, and purely divine. If I choose to follow this, love reigns. Guruji's teaching of “love in/non-love out” prevails here.

I dove in and aligned with that love while at Prema Drala (the Mother Center, where Guruji lives) in April 2023. To find it, I was faced with refinements and unpleasant feelings that in the end had to be blessed because of what they opened in me. Every minute spent with my Beloved Guru lifts me to expanded ways of being, which ushers in a deeper connection to the spiritual world where lilas bleed through. One day, I witnessed dolphins following along the coastline as I walked up and down the beach. They did not leave until I stepped off the sand. I found a rock in the form of a heart and, once in town, saw hearts on bumpers, on shirts, hats, on backs of jackets, and in shop windows—it was brilliant!! A thought would come to mind, and the answer was given; restaurants thought to be closed for renovations and in another area appeared; free champagne was given at a floral shop; perfect tables appeared; the sky was clear; friends were effervescent; and laughter was easy. This is what Louix calls “Living in ease, grace, and flow.” This is being blessed and accepting it with open arms. This is loving self. And this is the love of God and Guru.

My Ashram stay began with a weekend of Darshan, breakfast with Guruji, and garden seva. This is a series of bombs of God-light that takes acclimating to. That Monday, I stayed with the lovely ladies of Prema Drala and watched movies—so perfect!

As the days flowed, Guruji orchestrated the people and situations needed for the most profound healing at the least cost. If the lesson can be seen and acknowledged without resistance, the work is fast. The less we make excuses and just accept when we acted unlovingly, the easier the process is for ourselves and for the Guru.

Halfway through my stay, Guruji facilitated a pranayama. This intense breathing practice brought visions, healings, and affirmations to all present. As we lie on the floor, lost in the breath work, Beloved walked to each of us administering individual healings. With my eyes closed and breath firing away, he directed bolts of Light into all my chakras, all blown open… but my heart was beyond my body. The Light flowing into me was holding me down and incinerating me at the same time. I gave birth to my three boys, and then more children passed through, then Africa, then Guru, then God, and then myself. The cycle was grand and universal… yet all that remained was love, pure love—the love of God and Guru—all one beingness.

My journey into self leads to God. The more I obey my Guru, the more dazzling this human life becomes.

This love, when we are obedient to our inner voice, shows itself through grace in our minutes and days. Beautiful lilas were presented to us as a “thank you” for listening. We are graced for freely loving and accepting those around us for the paths they are on. We are gifted because we listened and acted with ownership to our inauthenticities and where we fall short of honesty to God, and then change it. We are gifted when we know, really know deep inside, that we are worthy of the blessings for simply loving God. We are worthy of beautiful unsuffering.

God and Guruji want us to live effulgent lives:  to say yes to all the invitations to love, laugh, and love some more! And, because a wise man once said, “Well, why not? We only live forever….”

Why not? Let’s go, let’s go for it all, and embrace the healing and rebirth that comes with the refinements. I will enjoy all the lilas and welcome more.

Thank you, Beloved, from the depths of my soul. I love you for eternity!





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